When we are dissatisfied with someone's behavior, the first thing we want to do is to bring down all our indignation on the "guilt." We begin to accuse the other of all sins, and the scandal is entering a new round. Psychologists say that the so-called "I-messages" will help us to correctly express our point of view and not to offend the interlocutor in such disputes. What is it?

"Again you forgot about your promise," "You're always late," "You're selfish, you always do only what you want" - we had to say such phrases more than once not only ourselves, but also to hear about ourselves. When something does not go according to our plan, and another person does not behave as we would like, it seems to us that by accusing and pointing out shortcomings, we will call him to his conscience and he will immediately improve. But it doesn't work.

You will be able to show your interlocutor that you take responsibility for your feelings.

As a result, he himself goes on the attack, which can develop into a conflict, and perhaps even into a rupture of relations. However, such consequences can be avoided if we move from this communication strategy to "I-message".

With this technique, you can show your interlocutor that you take responsibility for your feelings, and that it is not himself who is the reason for your concern, but only some of his certain actions. This approach significantly increases the chances of constructive dialogue.

"I-message" is built according to four rules:

1. WE TALK ABOUT FEELINGS

First of all, it is necessary to indicate to the interlocutor what emotions we are experiencing at the moment, which disturbs our inner peace. These can be such phrases as "I'm upset", "I'm worried", "I'm upset", "I'm worried".

2. WE REPORT THE FACTS

Then we report on the fact that affected our condition. It is important to be as objective as possible and not to assess human actions. We just describe what exactly caused the consequences in the form of a fallen mood.

It should be noted that even starting with "I-message", at this stage we often switch to "You-message". It may look like this: "I'm annoyed because you never come on time, "I'm angry because you have an eternal mess."

To avoid this, it is better to use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns and generalizations. For example, "I get upset when I'm late," "I don't like it when the room is dirty."

3. WE GIVE AN EXPLANATION

Then we need to try to explain why this or that act hurts us. Thus, our claim will not look unfounded.

So, if he's late, you can say: "...because I have to stand alone and freeze" or "...because I don't have much time, and I'd like to stay longer with you."

4. WE EXPRESS OUR DESIRE

In conclusion, we need to tell you what kind of opponent's behavior we consider preferable. Let's say: "I would like to be warned if I'm late." As a result, instead of the phrase "You're late again," we get: "I'm worried when my friends are late, because I think something happened to them. I'd like to get a call in case I'm late."

Of course, "I-message" may not immediately become a part of your life. It takes time to change from the usual behavior strategy to a new one. Nevertheless, it is worth continuing to resort to this technique every time there are conflict situations.

With its help, you can significantly improve the relationship with your partner, as well as learn to understand that our emotions are only our responsibility.

EXERCISE:

Remember any situation in which you made a claim. What words did you use? What was the outcome of the conversation? Was it possible to come to an understanding or did a quarrel break out? Then think about how you could change "You-message" to "I-message" in this conversation.

It may be difficult to find the right wording, but try to find variants of phrases with which you could report your experiences without blaming your partner.

Imagine your interlocutor, enter the role and say the formulated "I-message" in a soft, calm tone. Analyze your own feelings. And then try to practice the skill in real life.

You will see that your conversations will increasingly end constructively, leaving no offenses a chance to harm the emotional state and relationships.